Stuck in Square One
by puckertt
Summary: Kendall used to be his best friend, until he auditioned for Gustavo Rocque and went off to Hollywood, to become some big time singer. Kendall promises him they'll keep in touch, but ignores him everytime Logan tries to contact him. Logan feels horrible, and loses control completely. Warning: Eating disorder! Pairing: Kendall/Logan


**AN: The first half of Chapter 1 starts with telling what happened when Kendall left, but everything after this chapter will be about the present. The chapters will also be longer, this is just a little intro. Please note: English is not my native language, and this is unbeta'd, so I'm sorry for mistakes.**

**The title is based on Coldplay's 'Square One'.**

**Warning: Eating Disorder (kind of), and mentions of self harm. If this is triggering for you, please don't read.**

_**1 Year Ago**_

_Logan is crying in his room. He feels really ashamed by the fact that he's crying, he never cries, but he feels so lost by the thought of losing Kendall. They had been best friends since they were 6, and Logan had been in love with Kendall probably since the first time he first saw him, but he only realized it when they were fourteen. He had never told anyone about it, but knew he would probably feel this way forever. And now, Kendall had decided to leave him for some stupid record deal._

_He doesn't notice it when the door of his room opens, so naturally freak the fuck out when Kendall clears his throat loudly._

_'Shit, Kendall!' He shouts, trying to wipe away his tears as fast as humanly possible, but his face is still read of course, and he had no idea how long Kendall had been standing there._

_'Logan…' Kendall starts, sitting down on the bed, next to Logan. 'I know this is gonna be really hard, and I'm really gonna miss you, but I'm only getting this chance once in my life, and I don't want to spend the rest of my regretting I didn't take it.'_

_Logan nodded, he did understand it. But on the other side, he would probably never ever leave Kendall, they were like twins, always have been. Carlos and James were taking this so lightly, they were really excited about having someone famous as their friend. And maybe Logan should feel this way about it too, maybe he should be happy for Kendall, but right now all he felt was sadness._

_'And we're going to keep in touch of course! We have our phones, internet and when we get really desperate we could even send each other an old-fashioned letter!'_

_Kendall hugged him tightly, and Logan buried his face into his shoulder. He wanted to tell Kendall how much he loved him, and that he didn't want him to leave and that nobody ever meant as much to him as Kendall did. But he kept his mouth shut, because it would ruin their entire friendship._

_When Kendall let go, he kissed him on his forehead, and then left Logan's room. Logan knew that that was the last time he would see Kendall in at least three months. He wasn't going to go to the airport that evening, because he was scared he would have a mental breakdown in front of everyone._

_He did what you may expect from the situation; he splurged on food. He started stuffing everything he could find in the house into his mouth, trying to fill the emptiness he felt inside._

_When he was so full he might explode, he looked down, and saw all the empty crisps bag and candy wrappers spread out all over the table, and felt disgusted by the fact he swallowed all of that, most of it without even chewing properly._

_And somehow he winds up hanging above the toilet, sticking two fingers down his throat, and he was gagging and coughing, and there were tears welling up in his eyes, but finally it came out. He did it again, and again, until he was sure he'd gotten everything out._

_He flushes the toilet, his face red and puffy, his eyes stinging with tears. He doesn't even brush his teeth, just goes to bed, curling himself up into a little ball, and cries himself to sleep._

_#_

_He tries to keep in contact with Kendall, tries to call him, text him, email him, and even sents him a letter one day. No response. Ever. James and Carlos don't have contact with him either, and neither of them have any idea what they did wrong._

_Everything started going downhill from there. He doesn't eat anything the entire day, until the night, when he binges, and then pukes everything out again. He runs in the morning morning, and sometimes after school too, because he wants to burn the calories he knows his body absorbed, even though he puked all the food out._

_This usually goes on for a couple of weeks, then he stops for two to three weeks, and then it starts all over again._

_He isn't stupid, he knows what this is. He's going to be a doctor when he finishes high school and university, he knows what a fucking eating disorder is._

_The first time he cuts himself is four months after Kendell left, when he realizes Kendall will not return to Minnesota. He always hoped he would, always believe Kendall would never leave him after 11 years of close friendship, even though he never responded to them anymore._

_Nobody notices that something is seriously wrong with him. Not James, not Carlos, not Jo, not even his own family. The only one who does is Camille. She asks him what's wrong a lot, and tries to help him, but he won't tell a living soul._

_He's getting thinner and thinner, and knows he's being really unhealthy, but purging and cutting makes him feel better about everything, even though he knows it's really bad in a Health Class kind of way._

_He reads about Kendall in magazines and news papers, and listens to his music. Kendall even scored a #1 hit. He doesn't miss the news of Kendall having a relationship with one of the most famous actresses in Hollywood. She's called Cindy something. He doesn't know, doesn't want to know. The day Logan hears the news, he throws up four times._

_A year passes, and he never hears anything from Kendall again_.

Present day

The door bell rings, and Logan is home alone, so he goes to open it. He really hopes it aren't Jehovah witnesses again, they freak him out. He opens the door, and his mouth falls open.

It's the one person on the entire earth he was least expecting to see.

Kendall Knight.

He doesn't really know what to do. He just stands there, staring.

'Can…can I come in?' Kendall asks unsure.

Logan nods. He doesn't want to let Kendall in, he wants to scream at him, wants to show him the scars spiderwebbing all over his arms, hoping to make him regret everything he did to him. But he just can't. He still loves Kendall and everything he stands for.

Logan makes tea, sits down on the couch, Kendall on the chair on the other side of the coffee table. They just sit there, awkwardly staring at anywhere but each other. After a couple of minutes, Kendall opens his mouth.

'Logan… I'm so sorry for ignoring you, and James and Carlos, and everybody in Minnesota.' It's a crap apology, Logan knows it, Kendall probably knows it too.

'Bull.' Logan says, finally saying something.

'Gustavo forbid me to stay in touch with anyone from my old life, except for Katie and Mom of course, because he didn't want me to get home sick, and stop singing. When I finished touring, I went home as soon as possible.'

'If you really wanted to talk to us, you could have found a way.' The only thing Logan wanted to was forgive him, and hug him tight, but he just couldn't, he knew Kendall would probably do it again if he just did that.

Kendall doesn't say anything. Ha. Good, I hope he knows he's the biggest jerk on the entire earth, Logan thinks.

'So uhm, how's Cindy doing?' Logan asks, breaking the silence.

'She's fine. I guess.' Kendall says. He seems surprised by the question. 'I haven't talked to her for a while.'

'Why not?' Logan asked, probably a bit too eager.

'Because she's not really my girlfriend, Logan.' Kendall says. 'Gustavo said it would be good to date her because she's so famous, and it would make more people know my name.'

Oh.

'Why don't we go and meet up with Carlos and James? I really want to see them again.'

And that's what they do. Logan hasn't quite forgiven Kendall yet, he's far from forgiving him actually, but it's so hard to not act like they're best friends again, because they're all being their old selves. Carlos and James even hugged Kendall when they saw him again, believing his stupid excuses right away.

They just sit on the huge couch in James' living room, talking about hundred different things at the same time, and Logan has the most fun he's had in a year. He completely cracks up when Kendall tells them about the time he accidentally pushed Gustavo in the pool that apparently was right in the middle of Palm Woods, the resort he was staying in, and impersonates Gustavo's voice, screaming for someone to get him out of the pool, because he can't swim.

Kendall tells them about his tour, shows them pictures of Palm Woods, Gustavo and Kelly, his apartment and his new friends, which were some dude that was always holding a guitar apparently, and three girls that were all named Jennifer. He tells them that Katie and Mrs Knight are doing good, they are coming home in a week too.

'So Kendall, are you going to stay here or are you returning to Hollywood?' James asks.

'I'm going to do the last year of high school here, because Mom insisted on me going to a good school to graduate on.' Kendall announces. 'But I will be gone sometimes, to record new singles, and eventually an entire new album, so people don't forget my name.'

'And what are you going to do after that year, Kennie?' Carlos asks, while eating the fish sticks they had just made.

'Going back to Hollywood, continue singing and performing.'

Logan feels the happy feeling disappear. He had known this was coming. He could not fall in love with Kendall even more than before, because when he left, his problems would become even worse. Kendall obviously only wanted to hang out with them because he needed someone to hang out with, even if they were three losers that were not good enough for his famous self.

Something probably changed in his eyes, because Kendall asked him 'What's wrong, Logan?'

'Nothing.' He said.

'We should order some food!' Carlos decided.

'Jeez, Carlos, you eat way too much.' James said disapprovingly. 'You might want to watch your figure a bit, like Logan.'

Shit. So they _had_ noticed something about his eating habits.

* * *

**AN: So what did you think? Should I continue this story or not? Please leave a review, i would really appreciate it.**


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